Christmas time is so bittersweet...

My Mum and Dad made Christmas SO special when we were growing up. No matter if Dad was laid off around the Christmas season or times were tough, Joanne and I always got what we asked for from Santa.

I remember years when our family room was FULL of gifts...like can't walk because the room was so full full. Amazing.

We didn't have family to celebrate with...our entire extended family was back home in England, but Mum and Dad always took us to good friends' houses and made up for the emptiness that being alone in a country 3,000 miles from home can bring.

Joanne and I would watch all the Christmas specials on TV...Frosty, Rudolph, The Misfit Toys, A Christmas Carol, etc. etc. etc. We just loved Christmas. And that love for Christmas carried into our adulthood. Joanne LOVED to cook and entertain. She loved watching our kids open their gifts. Christmas became about out kids and no longer about us and we both loved every moment of it.

So, this is the time of year when I miss Joanne and Dad the most. They both had such a love for the whole Christmas idea and they really made it a special time. Now that they are gone, although we still love Christmas and celebrate the same way, their emptiness is so very real. The void they left is still so huge. Christmas will never, ever be the same again now that they are gone. Our celebration is quieter, more low-key. My boys don't get to see the love that Joanne and Dad had for this time of year.

So, as much as I still love Christmas, I also dread the pain that comes with it. :o(

Joanne Junior

We spent the evening at my Mum's tonight to celebrate her birthday. Mark and Patricia brought their clan down too and we had a lovely evening together.

All the kids were downstairs at one point and C, my oldest niece, was chatting to me from across the family room. My GOODNESS she was Joanne all over again for a moment. Her mannerisms, her smile, her voice, her laugh...she is ALL her mother. I got all overwhelmed and went over to hug and kiss her. I hugged her so tight that she spilled her bottle of water, but I just couldn't help it. I told her how much she was like her Mum and she smiled...Joanne's smile. I think she likes that she is like her Mum...

and I like that.

So alone...

I don't think I've ever had a day in my life where I have felt so alone.

Mom had a hysterectomy today and I was completely alone.

I watched her wheeled off on her stretcher at 9:42 am and didn't see her again until after 3:30. It was the longest 6 hours of my life. I wandered the halls of the hospital alone; I came home to Mom's empty house for lunch alone; I sat in the parking lot of the hospital alone; I sat in the lounge of the hospital alone...several times; I sat for hours. Alone.

Today, I felt the emptiness that Joanne left wholeheartedly. Today, for the first time, I felt like an only child. Today, I felt completely and entirely alone.

I needed someone to talk to today. I needed someone to sit and wait and worry with me. I needed someone to hug me. I had no one. If Joanne were alive, she would have been there with me. There was another lady there having surgery and she had her two daughters in the waiting room with her until she was wheeled away for surgery. While their Mom was operated on, they chatted to one another quietly, while I played Brickbreaker on my Blackberry. Other families sat together, some quietly reading magazines, not really socializing with one another, but comforted, I am sure, by the other person's presence, while I watched the clock and prayed...alone.

What I would have done to have Joanne there with me today. You have no idea.

No.

Idea.

Memories

Happier times...Joanne, holding her eldest, C; me, holding Joanne's middle daughter, R; Mum holding my 30th birthday cake; three year old Boy Oneder and our nephew, Anthony, in the background.

My beautiful sister...

Clothes

As a teenager, Joanne was ALLLL about name brands. For every one outfit Joanne would buy, I would buy three. I was never into brand names (and I am still not).

Her favourite brands back in the 80's were, in no particular order:

Laura Ashley
Esprit
Polo/Ralph Lauren (you know, the "alligator shirts")
Le Chateau

You get the point. She was no "Woolco" girl.

Because she had so few outfits, she would often run out of clean clothes. So, what did my darling sister do?...she raided MY cheapo closet.

It just so happened that one day, she scored LARGE in my closet. I had just boughe a beautiful pastel checked skirt with a matching blouse...shut up people, it was the 80's!! Anyway, it was no brand name number, but I really liked it and, by my standards, it wasn't cheap. I had honestly worn it ONE TIME.

I was at work. I had no idea that she was raiding my closet...until the next day.

For whatever reason, Joanne decided to wash my brand new outfit after she wore it. When I got home, I went looking for my new outfit because I was going out for dinner with some friends. It wasn't in my closet. I knew immediately that Joanne had taken it, so I called...err...maybe I screeched at the top of my lungs...her. She came upstairs all innocent-like and asked me what I wanted. I DEMANDED to know where my new outfit was.

"Oh...I needed something to wear yesterday, and I figured you wouldn't care, but I washed it already...it's in the dryer...I'll iron it for you."(sweet little innocent one)

I remember screaming some profanity at her and went to get the outfit myself.

Imagine my horror when I opened the dryer to find red streaks everywhere...all over the outfit, all over the dryer, all over everything.

Long story short...she accidentally left red lipstick in the pocket of my brand new skirt. The dryer melted it onto everything. The outfit was ruined. I was devastated.

I LOST IT.

Joanne said she would replace it (damned straight she would!!!) but when we went to the store that weekend, the outfit was gone. There was no replacement. She ended up paying me back for it, but I never let her live that down. I must admit, I think she felt really bad, but...until she got married and moved out, she continued to raid my closet (and Mom's too!) To this day, Mom and I have clothes that we never ever found.

Oh Joanne....LOL.

Middle names

Joanne and I were not given middle names. When I asked my Mum why, she really didn't know, just that they didn't give us one. This really bugged us, especially Joanne.

Throughout her childhood, Joanne gave herself several middle names. She would sign her name on paper using the name. Some examples were Amy, Kimberley and Laura. There were many more and I wish I could remember them, because some of them were really great. Sigh...

Joanne had such a vivid imagination. Many times, Mum would hear her locked in the bathroom, talking away happily to her imaginary friends, playing school or house. She would have full conversations with her friends. It was very cute.

I remember before she was even able to print, she would make scribbly lines and call it handwriting. She was so funny.

"Ticket Please!!"

When I was about 6 years old and Joanne was about 4, we lived in an apartment building. This was our apartment building...50 Carabob Court, Apt. 902...a corner unit. You can see it in the photo below...just count up nine floors from the left corner:

This was the floor plan...in case you were curious:Anyway...there was a playground downstairs. Joanne and I spent hours in that playground. Now mind you, playgrounds in the seventies were nothing like today. We had no sand, rubber or wood chips to cushion our fall from the iron/steel slides and monkey bars. Oh no my friends, we had CEMENT. There was also a crapload of lead in the paint they used to paint the equipment and there were sharp edges on all the slides. They were silver metal, so on sunny days, we got third degree burns going down those suckers and the merry-go-rounds were REAL merry-go-rounds where if you didn't puke after a ride, you were the BOMB!

One day, Joanne and I were playing with our friend, Margaret, who lived in the same building. Joanne, being the dominant one, was the ticket taker. You had to give her a ticket in order to go down the slide. On the third or fourth ride, Joanne decided that my ticket was not valid...who knows how her brain worked. I told her I wanted to go down the slide and she told me I couldn't because I didn't have a ticket. I tried to push past her and WHAMO! She pushed me off the top of the slide. I hit the pavement like a ton of bricks. I ended up witha sprained arm and two black eyes. Joanne and Margaret held their hands in an "X" and I sat on their arms as they ran into our building yelling, "EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY!" I can't remember what happened after that or whether Joanne got into trouble for that, but what a memory...I`ll never forget that!

New beginnings....

Tomorrow, in the beautiful Bahamian sun, with his three girls at his side, Mark will marry Patricia. She too will have her three children by her side. They will not just become a couple, but an instant family...The Brady Bunch.

My heart is warm, knowing that they are perfect for one another...both sharing the loss of a spouse, both knowing exactly what the other has gone through. Both of them will keep their beloved first spouse's memory alive for their children and both will begin a new love, a new family, a new life.

Since the moment I found out about their engagement, (maybe half an hour after Mark proposed) I have been thrilled for them...all of them. Patricia is an excellent mother to my girlies and Mark is an excellent father to Patricia's three kids. Everyone knows that Joanne will never be "replaced" and nor will Pete. But Patricia and Mark will fill the gaping hole that Joanne and Pete left in their families' lives. Courtney, Rebekah and Danielle will have a mother again and Alex, Ashley and Ben will have a father again. Patricia will be a wife again and Mark will be a husband again. It is perfect.

But, though I am still 100% behind the wedding, the marriage and the entire situation, my heart is a teensy bit heavy today. It's not a "bad" feeling, it's a weird feeling. I don't even know how to explain the feeling...just that it's weird.

In the month leading up to the wedding, Joanne has been on my mind almost constantly. Would she approve? Is she sad? Will she "be" at the wedding? Will she watch the ceremony with Pete at her side? Will she be dancing with Mark and Pete be dancing with Patricia after the ceremony, spiritually of course? All these thoughts in my head. Im not sad, but I feel sad. I told you, I just can't explain the feeling...it's just weird.

I pray that Mark and Patricia's love shines through tomorrow and forever. I pray that their marriage and long, healthy and prosperous. I pray that Joanne, if she does know about the wedding, approves. I pray that she's not sad. I pray that she is never ever forgotten. I pray that my Mom gets through the ceremony OK.

Remember Me
by Josh Groban


Remember Me
by Josh Groban

Remember
I will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory

Remember
When your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
Just remember me

I am the one star that keeps burning so brightly
It is the last light to fade into the rising sun
I’m with you whenever you tell my story
For I am all I’ve done

Remember
I will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory,
remember me

I am that warm voice in the cold wind that whispers
And if you listen you’ll hear me call across the sky
As long as I still can reach out and touch you
Then I will never die

Remember
I’ll never leave you
If you will only
Remember me
(Remember me)

Remember
I will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory

Remember
When your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
I live forever
Remember me…
Remember me…
Remember me…



I promise to always remember you Jo-Jo. I love you sister.

In loving memory of Joanne

Joanne was my younger sister. My only sibling. It has been 4 and a half years since she died and I am still working through the grief.

I have decided to start this blog in her memory, not only for me, but for her three children. Her girls need to know who their mother was, because as time goes by, their short memories of her will fade. I hope they will see this blog as a place to learn about their Mom, who loved them so very much.

I hope you enjoy getting to know Joanne too. She was certainly worth getting to know. :o)

A child is born...

Joanne was born on January 10th, 1972. She was never given a middle name, which drove her crazy as a child...I'l get to that later. I was 2.5 years old when she was born and I remember my parents buying me "Jelly Babies" to try to ease the jealousy that I may have had over having a new baby in the house. Being the perfect child that I am, there was, of course, no jealousy at all, but I did enjoy those Jelly Babies!!!

From stories my Mum has told me, Joanne was not the easiest baby to care for...she cried all the time, hated to sleep and had tantrums alot. Of course, there were great things about Joanne as well, but suffice it to day, she gave Mum a real run for her sanity...err...money.

Anyway, she was as cute as a button, with big brown eyes and blond hair...



And she was a babbler...she didn't speak for a long time, but she spoke Joannnese extremely well. The only person who understood her gobbledegook most of the time was me. Yes, I was the bright one. ;o)



Joanne walked very early...so early that Mum swears that's why she was a bit bow-legged. That energy and need for movement did not leave her ever...she was constantly doing something...never resting. My poor Mummy...she must have been run ragged.



Joanne had no fear. She would simply walk into a pool of water, speak to strangers, eat whatever she felt looked appetizing...that was Joanne...fearless. Again, my poor parents had to keep their eyes on her constantly or she would be into something she shouldn't be! Mum told me that one of Joanne's favourite pastimes was playing with the contents of her diaper...and making art with it on the bedroom walls. Oh yes, that was our Joanne. She's probably giving me a dirty look straight from Heaven for telling you that, but, this blog is meant to be alllll about her...not just the cute and nice stuff!!!



So, that's the story of Joanne's babyhood...