This is a repost of an entry I made to my blog 4 years ago. I am so tired, I just don't have it in me to write a post that is worthy of my sister's memory today, and so I will repost...
I would like more sisters, that the taking out of one, might not leave such stillness. ~Emily Dickinson
What's the good of news if you haven't a sister to share it? ~Jenny DeVries
How do people make it through life without a sister? ~Sara Corpening
Sweet is the voice of a sister in the season of sorrow. ~Benjamin Disraeli
Between sisters, often, the child's cry never dies down. "Never leave me," it says; "do not abandon me." ~Louise Bernikow
Sigh.
I miss her. Deeply. More deeply now than three seven years ago when she died.
As I get older, I realize just how important the relationship that I had with Joanne really was. I hear my friends making plans with their sisters, I see older ladies who are clearly sisters, walking arm in arm in the mall. I will never have that closeness again.
My friends are wonderful, but my sister was my sister. We fought like cat and dog most of our lives, but the knowledge that she was there is so much more powerful now that she is gone. Even now, as the third seventh anniversary of her death approaches, I catch myself thinking, “I have to tell Joanne about this” and before the thought is even complete, I realize that I can’t tell her. Oh sure, I comfort myself by saying that she sees and hears everything now that she is in Heaven, but some days, that’s not good enough. Some days, dammit, I just want her back. I want to share my achievements and goals. I want to vent on her. I want her to give me advice. I want her to make me laugh again.
The hole is deep, just like the hole that my Dad left. Some days, it just seems to get deeper with time instead of slowly closing a little. I remember feeling this way about Dad…I think it may have even been his third anniversary that hit me so hard. I remember missing him so much that my chest ached. I feel that way about Joanne today. I miss her in the depths of my soul today. The physical ache is truly painful. I can’t even describe it.
I feel her around me some days and that comforts me, but boy I wish I could hug her one more time. I wish I could thank her for the impact she made on me and my family. I wish we could grow old together and knit sweaters for our grandchildren. I wish I could tell her I love her.
If you are blessed with a sister, call her today. Tell her you love her. Tomorrow may never come and you will wish you could tell her just one more time.
Happy Heavenly Birthday Joanne. You would have been 41 years young today. I miss you more than anyone will ever comprehend. RIP Sweet Girl.
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Happy "would be" 40th birthday
Oh the party we would have had if you were here.
Lots of food, fun and friends to celebrate how awesome you were.
But, you're not here, you're There. And I'm here. So, Joe, the boys, Mum and I will have a red velvet cake in your honour. I hope you'll watch as we blow out your candles.
How I wish you were here and not There.
RIP Baby Sister.
Lots of food, fun and friends to celebrate how awesome you were.
But, you're not here, you're There. And I'm here. So, Joe, the boys, Mum and I will have a red velvet cake in your honour. I hope you'll watch as we blow out your candles.
How I wish you were here and not There.
RIP Baby Sister.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
5 years
Five years have passed since I lost her.
Five long, short, quick, slow, painful years.
Some days it seems like yesterday. Others like 25 years ago.
I *still*, for a split second, think of calling her and realize I can't.
Damn I miss her.
Mom put an ad in the local paper today.
She has been on my heart all day.
The support of my Facebook friends has been phenomenal. Thank you for being there...I am blessed with friends that I wish were family.
Five long, short, quick, slow, painful years.
Some days it seems like yesterday. Others like 25 years ago.
I *still*, for a split second, think of calling her and realize I can't.
Damn I miss her.
Mom put an ad in the local paper today.
She has been on my heart all day.
The support of my Facebook friends has been phenomenal. Thank you for being there...I am blessed with friends that I wish were family.
Monday, January 17, 2011
When she loved me...
The boys are watching Toy Story 2 right now. Every.single.time. this song comes on, I have to leave the room, bawling. It makes me think of Joanne and miss her so much. :o(
Monday, January 10, 2011
Happy Heavenly Birthday Joanne
Today, you would be 39. I love you and miss you so very much.
I hope your party in Heaven is a great one.
I love you.
I hope your party in Heaven is a great one.
I love you.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Christmas time is so bittersweet...
My Mum and Dad made Christmas SO special when we were growing up. No matter if Dad was laid off around the Christmas season or times were tough, Joanne and I always got what we asked for from Santa.
I remember years when our family room was FULL of gifts...like can't walk because the room was so full full. Amazing.
We didn't have family to celebrate with...our entire extended family was back home in England, but Mum and Dad always took us to good friends' houses and made up for the emptiness that being alone in a country 3,000 miles from home can bring.
Joanne and I would watch all the Christmas specials on TV...Frosty, Rudolph, The Misfit Toys, A Christmas Carol, etc. etc. etc. We just loved Christmas. And that love for Christmas carried into our adulthood. Joanne LOVED to cook and entertain. She loved watching our kids open their gifts. Christmas became about out kids and no longer about us and we both loved every moment of it.
So, this is the time of year when I miss Joanne and Dad the most. They both had such a love for the whole Christmas idea and they really made it a special time. Now that they are gone, although we still love Christmas and celebrate the same way, their emptiness is so very real. The void they left is still so huge. Christmas will never, ever be the same again now that they are gone. Our celebration is quieter, more low-key. My boys don't get to see the love that Joanne and Dad had for this time of year.
So, as much as I still love Christmas, I also dread the pain that comes with it. :o(
I remember years when our family room was FULL of gifts...like can't walk because the room was so full full. Amazing.
We didn't have family to celebrate with...our entire extended family was back home in England, but Mum and Dad always took us to good friends' houses and made up for the emptiness that being alone in a country 3,000 miles from home can bring.
Joanne and I would watch all the Christmas specials on TV...Frosty, Rudolph, The Misfit Toys, A Christmas Carol, etc. etc. etc. We just loved Christmas. And that love for Christmas carried into our adulthood. Joanne LOVED to cook and entertain. She loved watching our kids open their gifts. Christmas became about out kids and no longer about us and we both loved every moment of it.
So, this is the time of year when I miss Joanne and Dad the most. They both had such a love for the whole Christmas idea and they really made it a special time. Now that they are gone, although we still love Christmas and celebrate the same way, their emptiness is so very real. The void they left is still so huge. Christmas will never, ever be the same again now that they are gone. Our celebration is quieter, more low-key. My boys don't get to see the love that Joanne and Dad had for this time of year.
So, as much as I still love Christmas, I also dread the pain that comes with it. :o(
Monday, September 13, 2010
So alone...
I don't think I've ever had a day in my life where I have felt so alone.
Mom had a hysterectomy today and I was completely alone.
I watched her wheeled off on her stretcher at 9:42 am and didn't see her again until after 3:30. It was the longest 6 hours of my life. I wandered the halls of the hospital alone; I came home to Mom's empty house for lunch alone; I sat in the parking lot of the hospital alone; I sat in the lounge of the hospital alone...several times; I sat for hours. Alone.
Today, I felt the emptiness that Joanne left wholeheartedly. Today, for the first time, I felt like an only child. Today, I felt completely and entirely alone.
I needed someone to talk to today. I needed someone to sit and wait and worry with me. I needed someone to hug me. I had no one. If Joanne were alive, she would have been there with me. There was another lady there having surgery and she had her two daughters in the waiting room with her until she was wheeled away for surgery. While their Mom was operated on, they chatted to one another quietly, while I played Brickbreaker on my Blackberry. Other families sat together, some quietly reading magazines, not really socializing with one another, but comforted, I am sure, by the other person's presence, while I watched the clock and prayed...alone.
What I would have done to have Joanne there with me today. You have no idea.
No.
Idea.
Mom had a hysterectomy today and I was completely alone.
I watched her wheeled off on her stretcher at 9:42 am and didn't see her again until after 3:30. It was the longest 6 hours of my life. I wandered the halls of the hospital alone; I came home to Mom's empty house for lunch alone; I sat in the parking lot of the hospital alone; I sat in the lounge of the hospital alone...several times; I sat for hours. Alone.
Today, I felt the emptiness that Joanne left wholeheartedly. Today, for the first time, I felt like an only child. Today, I felt completely and entirely alone.
I needed someone to talk to today. I needed someone to sit and wait and worry with me. I needed someone to hug me. I had no one. If Joanne were alive, she would have been there with me. There was another lady there having surgery and she had her two daughters in the waiting room with her until she was wheeled away for surgery. While their Mom was operated on, they chatted to one another quietly, while I played Brickbreaker on my Blackberry. Other families sat together, some quietly reading magazines, not really socializing with one another, but comforted, I am sure, by the other person's presence, while I watched the clock and prayed...alone.
What I would have done to have Joanne there with me today. You have no idea.
No.
Idea.
Monday, July 26, 2010
New beginnings....
Tomorrow, in the beautiful Bahamian sun, with his three girls at his side, Mark will marry Patricia. She too will have her three children by her side. They will not just become a couple, but an instant family...The Brady Bunch.
My heart is warm, knowing that they are perfect for one another...both sharing the loss of a spouse, both knowing exactly what the other has gone through. Both of them will keep their beloved first spouse's memory alive for their children and both will begin a new love, a new family, a new life.
Since the moment I found out about their engagement, (maybe half an hour after Mark proposed) I have been thrilled for them...all of them. Patricia is an excellent mother to my girlies and Mark is an excellent father to Patricia's three kids. Everyone knows that Joanne will never be "replaced" and nor will Pete. But Patricia and Mark will fill the gaping hole that Joanne and Pete left in their families' lives. Courtney, Rebekah and Danielle will have a mother again and Alex, Ashley and Ben will have a father again. Patricia will be a wife again and Mark will be a husband again. It is perfect.
But, though I am still 100% behind the wedding, the marriage and the entire situation, my heart is a teensy bit heavy today. It's not a "bad" feeling, it's a weird feeling. I don't even know how to explain the feeling...just that it's weird.
In the month leading up to the wedding, Joanne has been on my mind almost constantly. Would she approve? Is she sad? Will she "be" at the wedding? Will she watch the ceremony with Pete at her side? Will she be dancing with Mark and Pete be dancing with Patricia after the ceremony, spiritually of course? All these thoughts in my head. Im not sad, but I feel sad. I told you, I just can't explain the feeling...it's just weird.
I pray that Mark and Patricia's love shines through tomorrow and forever. I pray that their marriage and long, healthy and prosperous. I pray that Joanne, if she does know about the wedding, approves. I pray that she's not sad. I pray that she is never ever forgotten. I pray that my Mom gets through the ceremony OK.
My heart is warm, knowing that they are perfect for one another...both sharing the loss of a spouse, both knowing exactly what the other has gone through. Both of them will keep their beloved first spouse's memory alive for their children and both will begin a new love, a new family, a new life.
Since the moment I found out about their engagement, (maybe half an hour after Mark proposed) I have been thrilled for them...all of them. Patricia is an excellent mother to my girlies and Mark is an excellent father to Patricia's three kids. Everyone knows that Joanne will never be "replaced" and nor will Pete. But Patricia and Mark will fill the gaping hole that Joanne and Pete left in their families' lives. Courtney, Rebekah and Danielle will have a mother again and Alex, Ashley and Ben will have a father again. Patricia will be a wife again and Mark will be a husband again. It is perfect.
But, though I am still 100% behind the wedding, the marriage and the entire situation, my heart is a teensy bit heavy today. It's not a "bad" feeling, it's a weird feeling. I don't even know how to explain the feeling...just that it's weird.
In the month leading up to the wedding, Joanne has been on my mind almost constantly. Would she approve? Is she sad? Will she "be" at the wedding? Will she watch the ceremony with Pete at her side? Will she be dancing with Mark and Pete be dancing with Patricia after the ceremony, spiritually of course? All these thoughts in my head. Im not sad, but I feel sad. I told you, I just can't explain the feeling...it's just weird.
I pray that Mark and Patricia's love shines through tomorrow and forever. I pray that their marriage and long, healthy and prosperous. I pray that Joanne, if she does know about the wedding, approves. I pray that she's not sad. I pray that she is never ever forgotten. I pray that my Mom gets through the ceremony OK.
Remember Me
by Josh Groban
Remember Me
by Josh Groban
Remember
I will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory
Remember
When your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
Just remember me
I am the one star that keeps burning so brightly
It is the last light to fade into the rising sun
I’m with you whenever you tell my story
For I am all I’ve done
Remember
I will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory,
remember me
I am that warm voice in the cold wind that whispers
And if you listen you’ll hear me call across the sky
As long as I still can reach out and touch you
Then I will never die
Remember
I’ll never leave you
If you will only
Remember me
(Remember me)
Remember
I will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory
Remember
When your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
I live forever
Remember me…
Remember me…
Remember me…
I promise to always remember you Jo-Jo. I love you sister.
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